my dear sweet rowan

well, we've tried what we can to get you to move into the proper position and it just didn't work.  doesn't mean you won't move there own your own, but it was pretty clear that you are in the most comfortable position for yourself right now with your head under my heart, your back stretched across the top of my uterus, and your butt on the right side.  you did great this morning and kept your heart rate up so none of us got scared that you weren't doing ok.  so now we know that we'll meet you on september 4th and you'll come out into the world safely.

i am disappointed that we couldn't get you into the right position.  i was surprised when a rush of feelings came over me that made me breakdown and cry. 

i was worried about you-how would the surgery affect you?  would you be ok?  will the anesthesia they give me have a negative impact on you?  how will your lungs fair? 

i was worried about myself-will i be ok?  will i develop an infection? will i be able to produce the milk you'll so desperately need right away without the rush of hormones a woman gets during labor?

i was stressed out and felt an overwhelming rush of failure-why didn't it work?  what's wrong with me?  what did i do wrong?

how quickly i forgot that i have nothing to worry about.  how quickly i forgot that this whole experience isn't about me-it's not even about you.  yes-there are complications that can arise from surgery.  yes-there are risks involved.  but there is no need for me to worry.  worrying will not do anything positive for you or me.  i am not a failure and i did nothing wrong.  stressing myself out over this fact will not do anything positive either.  i was reminded of this fact while we were waiting for the nurse to say we could leave the hospital this morning in a pretty blunt way...

you see rowan, after they tried to move you, you were very excited or angry or jostled or whatever and your heart rate was pretty elevated for a while.  you were moving around and active and just ever so busy.  i'm imagining that you were trying to rearrange your room to just how you wanted it since the doctor managed to mess it up.  because of that, the nurse wanted to observe your heart rate for a while longer.  she just wanted to make sure you would calm down.  so our 45 minute wait turned into about an hour and a half.  while i would have loved to nap the whole time, the beds in labor and delivery are not the most comfortable.  so after about an hour or so, i started to get fidgety and decided to read.  i had started Crazy Love by Francis Chan a while ago, and decided to jump back into it.  i picked up right where i left off, and within a minute came across these words that smacked me in the face:

"Worry implies that we don't quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough, or loving enough to take care of what's happening in our lives.  Stress says that the things we are involved in are important enough to merit our impatience, our lack of grace toward others or our tight grip of control."

ouch.

i really don't know how you're going to come into this world rowan.  i don't know if you're going to turn yourself around in the next three weeks and make your entrance the 'natural' way or if you're going to stay put and we're going to deliver you surgically.  i don't know if some other complication is going to arise between now and then that's going to give us another reason to worry or become stressed out.  i thought there was so much that i had figured out-but after today that is all gone.  i have lost all control and now have to just surrender to this experience and what lies ahead.  because all i know, and all i can put my hope in, is that there is a God who loves you more perfectly than your dad or i could ever hope to who will take care of every minuscule detail in your life.  i know God has control over your life. 

spending weeks, days, hours, or even minutes worrying about how you're going to come into this world isn't what i need to do.  each moment i spend worrying teaches you that i'm bigger and more important and have more control over my life (and yours) than God does.  each moment i spend worrying artificially inflates my importance and deflates the love that God has for you.  i don't want that to happen.  because my one biggest hope and dream for your life is that you can experience the only truly unconditional love in this world.  your dad and i will love you unconditionally, but we can't do it perfectly.  i hope your friends and future spouse will love you unconditionally, but they can't do it perfectly either.  i want you to experience the amazing love of God-not so that you will have the same religion as me, but so that you can share that unconditional love with the people you interact with daily as you grow. 

the world you're coming into is so broken.  people are hurting and killing each other because they are a different religion, a different color, from a different place, or love differently.  i want you to know what true love is so that you can share true love with the world and bring some healing to the sliver of the population you encounter.  imagine how the world could change if you inspired even one other person to truly love others...who inspired one other person...who inspired another...and another.  before long, loving one another would spread like wildfire and maybe the world we live in would be a better place.  how are you going to know what this amazing love looks and feels like if i'm causing you to doubt it?  how are you going to feel this love if i'm not letting myself feel it as well?  if i want you to share this love with the world, i have to be able to share it with you first. 

for me...right now...this means letting go of my worries and fears.  i have to let go of the well laid plans i had for your arrival.  i have to breathe in...and breath out...in...and out...knowing that only by releasing the tight grip of control i am clinging to can i experience the peace God's love can give.  i can't feel fear over what could happen in surgery.  i can't be worried about what may happen in the next three weeks.  i can only wake up each morning knowing that day was created for me to look towards God to experience his loving warmth first and myself second.  only by doing that will i be able to experience a calm and peace in my naturally worrying heart.

rowan-i love you more than you can ever imagine. your dad loves you more than you can ever imagine.  your aunts and uncles, grandmas and grandpas, cousins, friends...they all love you so much.  but even though you will feel all this love every time your cuddled, kissed, and hugged, this love cannot compare with the love that God has for you.  i hope i can let myself feel that in these next three weeks so you can feel it as well.  the chain of loving people has to start somewhere, and i'm hoping it can start with me loving you as perfectly as my imperfect heart will allow.

36 Weeks

Turns out Rowan is very comfortable in a head's up position.  At our 36 week appointment on Thursday, his head was under the left side of my rib cage.  The midwife recommended we see our regular doctor early this week to see what she wanted to do.  So we scheduled an appointment for this afternoon.

36 1/2 weeks

Our doctor did an ultra sound to verify his position and yup...head up.  Silly little boy doesn't realize he's supposed to be head down by now.  So our doctor explained we have a couple of options.  We can either schedule an external version where she tries to manually turn him or we schedule a C-Section.  Our midwife gave us a head's up that the doctor may be talking about an external version, so we did a little research before our appointment today.  Our doctor explained the procedure and it pretty much matched up with what we had been able to read about.  Our doctor thinks we have a less than 50/50 chance of having a successful version-meaning she either won't be able to get him to move into a head down position or he'll go back to head up in the days after the version.  She said I'm not the best candidate for an external version because I haven't had a baby before and my abdomen hasn't been stretched to the max previously.  The good news is that Rowan hasn't settled down into my pelvis, he isn't huge (she thinks he's about 7+ pounds), and the placenta is in a good spot.  All those are factors that increase her ability to flip Rowan around.  She also doesn't have any concerns about Rowan's health or my health.  All good things to know going into this procedure.

So tomorrow morning we'll head to the hospital for the procedure.  We'll have a monitor put on to track Rowan's heart beat, have another ultra sound to make sure he didn't flip overnight, and then get some medicine to keep my uterus relaxed during the procedure (which will be good since I feel like I'm contracting ALL THE TIME-but really only about 4-6 times an hour)  Then starts the pushing...but I don't have to do any of it =)  She'll do what she can to move him into the right position.  She said it's not the best feeling procedure and I may end up with some bruises on my abdomen from her fingers, but hopefully she can get him to move.  If she can't get him to turn, we'll schedule a C-Section.   Our doctor said she would schedule the surgery for September 4th.  Then if he gets into the right position between now and then, we can skip the surgery.  So IF the version isn't successful, we can keep doing what we're doing with some poses and exercises to encourage Rowan to get into the right position. 

While neither Ian or I are really 'excited' about this plan, we're glad there's an option we can try before having to schedule a C-Section.  We're SO glad there are no health concerns for either Rowan or I and here's still time for him to flip-either with help or on his own.  Right now we're just going to see what tomorrow brings and then we'll go from there.  If we end up having a C-Section, we'll be just fine.  Our doctor thinks I'd be a good candidate for a natural delivery for any subsequent children which is a huge relief as well.

So tonight we'll make sure we're all packed and ready to go for tomorrow and get a good night's sleep.  We completely trust our doctor and know that the story ends the same.  Rowan will come into the world happy and healthy one way or another. 

Nursery!

Before the cleaning and organizing began...

Well after a busy weekend, Ian and I can officially say Rowan's room is ready.  It was a little overwhelming going through all the things he was given at showers.  Needless to say we have AMAZING family and friends.  I can honestly say I don't think we'll need to buy this kid anything until he no longer fits into 6 month clothes...except for maybe some wipes here and there. But really...his bedding is set...plenty of blankets for sleeping and floor time...swaddlers...bottles...toys...clothes galore...you name it.  And what we didn't get in items, we were hugely blessed with gift cards.  It's unbelievable how well taken care of this kid is already.  I'm a bit humbled.

Will post more after our doctor's appointment this week, but here are a few pictures of the nursery.  Hard to believe he's due to arrive and be sleeping in this little room in less than a month.  =)

All clean and ready to go

Diaper Changing Central

Diapers (mostly cloth), soft friends, and toys

Closet FULL of clothes and blankets

Books, bathroom stuff, and a few odds and ends

Sleepy place...all ready for a little baby

Getting Ready

Warning...there's a lot I feel like I need to update, so this may be a bit long.

Changing pad

Ahh...where to start.  We're 34 weeks along, crazy!  Only about 6 weeks until due date, but really about 3 more weeks until he could come any time.  That's just crazy to me.  It's hard to believe that we're really going to experience parenthood shortly.  It's such a relief too to know that if he were to come early, at this point he'd likely be just fine and wouldn't be likely to experience long term complications. 

Nursing cover

LOVE  this fabric

Diaper bag with changing pad in it

We've been busy getting ready.  A friend of mine and I spent a weekend making some different things for our babies.  She's pregnant and due about two weeks after us.  Together, we made nursing covers and changing pads that go in diaper bags.  I made a nursing pillow and a diaper bag as well. The diaper bag was a bit of an adventure, but I think we'll like it.  Initially, I followed a pattern in a baby sewing book that I had, but it was pretty small and there weren't that many pockets.  So Ian and I talked and figured out a few modifications we'd make.  So...I had my first adventure in sewing something without a pattern.  I like how it looks so far...here's hoping the changes we made make it more functional. We're relying on the talents of Rowan's wonderful Aunt to add a bit of style to the diaper bag.  Once it's done, I'll post a picture.  I'm guessing these are all things we'll use pretty regularly, so it's a step in the right direction to feel ready when he comes.  Stroller and car seat are out of the boxes.  Car seat is getting installed in our car this weekend too. 

Rowan's room is getting closer to being ready too.  We went back to Rapid City a few weeks ago to visit some family.  While we were there, my mom's friend Calene had a shower for us.  It was amazing and a bit humbling to see how some people I hadn't seen for a very long time still wanted to come and celebrate this new chapter in our lives.  We were given quite a few fun little things and cute clothes for Rowan too.  Filling the nursery up with those things-especially all the clothes-made it seem a bit more real that he is going to be here soon.   

I've continued to feel good...though each day is getting a bit more uncomfortable.  Getting out of bed each morning is getting more and more awkward, though I'm still sleeping pretty well.  My sleep in the morning is a bit restless, but not too disturbed.  My feet haven't been too swollen, but some days are worse than others.  (They are a bit bigger now...that's a little weird to me.)  If I'm on my feet for too long though, they are pretty sore the next day or that evening.  My wedding ring almost doesn't fit any more.  Work is getting to be a bit uncomfortable too sitting at my desk for a full day.  It's hard to find a way to sit for 8 or 9 hours that's comfortable.  So yes...I feel good, but I have a feeling I'll be very ready to have this baby in a few weeks.

34 weeks-belly's getting bigger!

Doctor's appointments have still been positive.  Rowan's growing like he should, though he hasn't decided to go head first permanently.  At our 31 week appointment, his head was down...at our 33 week appointment, his head was off to the side.  Our doctor was out of town (3 week vacation in Amsterdam I guess...rough life) for our 33 week appointment, so we saw a midwife at our doctor's office.  She seemed a little concerned that he wasn't head first yet, so she gave me a few exercises to do to encourage him to move head first.  Good news is he hasn't settled into the pelvis so he's got time to move around and flip still.  We'll see the midwife for one more appointment before our doctor comes back.  If he's still head up at that point, I'll start getting a bit nervous...now, not so much.  I trust he'll get where he needs to be when the time is right.  I'm thinking he's just taking advantage of the space he has while he can.  He's moving around quite a bit and makes my tummy dance most nights.  Ian says he's still pretty active late at night...glad I can sleep through the party in my belly. 

Our childbirth class is wrapping up soon.  I feel like it's been a good class-spent a lot of time going over the different stages of labor and feelings women typically experience during each stage.  It was good to learn a few different ways to cope with labor sensations.  Ian's been great going through the classes with me...even when he has to do the guided group meditation.  Not exactly Ian's favorite thing or style, but he puts up with it and doesn't even complain.  Once the class is over, we'll be 37 weeks and 'officially' ready for him to make his debut. 

So yes...we're getting close to being ready.  I'm almost to the point of counting down days...but not quite there yet...that's another step down the road of readiness.

30 weeks!

29 1/2 weeks and feeling great!

30 weeks down, 10 to go!  That means we're 3/4 (or 75%) of the way done!  That's crazy!  These last 10 weeks are going to fly by I'm sure too. 

I am sooooo thankful I have continued to feel amazing!  I think a large part of it is forcing myself to drink a lot of water (100-128oz per day) and move every day.  That and I must have some pretty good genes in my line.  My only complaints as of late are sore hips.  Swelling hasn't been bad and I've been sleeping great still.  I'm feeling Braxton Hicks contractions every day.  I'm hoping they really are 'warm up' contractions and my body is learning what it needs to do come labor and delivery time.

I've decided to officially 'retire' my skates for a while.  I noticed a few weeks ago that I was having more Braxton Hicks contractions when I would go for a walk.  Our doctor thought this may be because I was dehydrated, but I'm really not sure how that's possible.  Either way, I don't want to push myself too hard, so my work outs have changed from skating, yoga, and walking to just yoga and walking.  Didn't quite make it through all of June with skating once a week, but that's OK. Yoga has felt AMAZING.  The dogs love the walks too...it's just been too hot this week to take them on walks.  100 degree days and humidity so high you can see it in the air isn't good for me or fur covered animals. 

Marveling at how tiny newborn diapers are

Rowan is doing exactly what he should.  Good strong heart beat at each appointment, growing, and regular movements...though he likes to push up into the right side of my rib cage which isn't the most comfortable.  Ian says each night when he comes to bed (and I've already been asleep for a couple of hours), he can feel Rowan having a party and moving all over the place.  We may have another night owl in our house come September.


We're getting more and more things ready in the house and in Rowan's room.  We have our stroller and car seat sitting in his room waiting to be put together and  installed in the car.  Clothes are starting to appear in his closet.  Diapers are appearing on the changing table.  There's going to be a baby living in there soon!  Every day a bit more excitement replaces a bit of anxiety. 

reality check

The weeks keep moving on.  That means each day I wake up is one day closer to meeting our little Rowan.  That also means I'm one day closer to experiencing something that scares the crap out of me: labor and delivery.

I'm not afraid to admit that I'm scared of giving birth.  I know it's a natural process and women have been doing it for thousands of years...but I've never done it!  I have no idea what it's going to be like...how long it's going to take us...if we're going to have any complications...if things are going to go to plan.  I'm glad there are lots of women in my life who have experienced giving birth recently that can share their stories with me.  I'm also very glad we are taking a 10 week child birth class at our hospital to help prepare us.  It's a longer class because it's geared towards women who want natural child labor.  My plan involves no medication and Rowan coming out in a textbook perfect delivery on September 3rd so his birthday will be 09/03/12 (because 9+3=12...and that's labor day...ironic no?).  OH...and my plan is to have labors like my mother...between and hour and a half (me) and three hours (my brother)...TOTAL.  Realistic?  Nope...but one can always dream right?

I honestly don't know how I'm going to handle the pain or the waiting.  I remember the contractions I felt when we had our miscarriage and my body started contracting.  They certainly weren't comfortable, but they also weren't working to push out a fully developed baby.  Not quite sure how I'm going to adjust to the differences there, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

Right now, I have to say that my biggest fear is having to be induced.  What happens if Rowan doesn't come out?  What happens if September 6th...10th...14th..comes and goes, and he's making no movements towards the door?  What then?  Do we wait? Do we induce?  That waiting game is going to be hard.  And then there's the waiting game of being at home or at the hospital waiting through the contractions that are just there to get us ready for delivery.  Some people may not know this about me, but I'm not always a patient person when it comes to waiting for things I want.  Just ask Ian...he knows that part of my personality all too well...

I know that no matter how the story goes, the ending is the same: Rowan is delivered.  I know that I have the ability to give birth naturally.  I also know that I'm not a 'failure' or did something 'wrong' if I can't give birth naturally (either by using medication or having a C-Section).  I know I have a husband that completely supports the plan that we have for getting Rowan out into this world.  I also know that Ian is a smart guy who's going to work with me in making the healthiest choices for our son's delivery.  I know I'm going to have lots of support and encouragement from friends and family on D-Day (delivery day) for whatever fear I'm facing that moment.  I also know I'll have an equal amount of encouragement from the same friends and family that it's OK if things can't go according to my plan.

Do all these assurances I have ease my fears?  A little...but not much.  Labor and delivery is going to be something COMPLETELY different than ANYTHING I've ever experienced before.  But, I still have time to prepare and time to wait.

Moving along and my amazing husband

Me at 22 weeks.  Bishop was curious too.

I feel like we've reached the point in this pregnancy where I really don't feel like there's much to say.  We're at 24 weeks, so only 16 or so to go!  Things keep moving along like they should and there's really nothing exciting or nerve racking to talk about.  Rowan's growing like he should according to our doctor and she doesn't have any concerns at this point.  He's moving more and more now, though I'm not sure how much of it is kicking and how much are hiccups.  Either way, there's jolts, jabs, and jerks at various points throughout the day.  I'm feeling great...for that I am soooooooo thankful!  My only complaints have been sore hips right when I wake up and a sore back if I'm stuck in one position (sitting or standing) for too long.  I'm pretty much out of most of my pre-pregnancy clothes.  I am still rocking the pre-pregnancy work pants with a belly band, but that's going to be ending soon I'm guessing.


We are starting to get the house ready for Rowan too.  We had some rearranging to do, and Ian did a good chunk of it last weekend.  We've moved the office into the downstairs living room and will be moving the guest room into the office so that Rowan can have the guest room.  Some furniture moving will have to wait until we have other bodies...I'm not planning on doing much lifting or furniture moving myself.  Another one of those 'not recommended' things.  =)  Thankfully my parents are coming down towards the end of the month, so they'll be able to help us get some of these bigger projects taken care of.

Some AMAZING clothes we found for Rowan. He's going to be so cool!

Over the last few weeks, one of the things I  have been noticing more and more is just how wonderful Ian is being.  I'm getting to see a different side of him that I've never noticed before.  He's really doing a lot of things to take care of me. I probably haven't noticed this too much because I don't let him (or anyone really) take care of me. I'm pretty darn independent and take pride in the fact that I can do things by myself.  I still can...and do most of the time...but Ian's just been taking on some things that I haven't really thought of.  Like what you ask?  He's taken complete responsibility for mowing the lawn...taking out the trash...and planning our furniture moves.  He also slept on the couch for a week when he was sick so he wouldn't get me sick.  He's cooking dinner on nights I get home later from work...because if I don't eat by 6:00 or so I turn into a cranky monster.  He also got me my very first mother's day card and drew a picture on our bathroom mirror for me.  He's been amazing.  I always knew he was amazing (kinda why I married the guy), but now I'm seeing another side of him.  I can't say it's a new side, it's just a side that I haven't chosen to see.  It makes me more and more excited each day to see how he's going to take care of his son.