I have really struggled with finding the words to post recently. I wouldn't say I've had writer's block-it's more that putting things into words makes them a reality for me...and sometimes I would rather avoid reality than face it.
A few months ago I was writing this blog about running. Training for a race was a great experience-but come early May, the race was done. I knew I would keep running a little bit, but there wasn't that much more for me to write about. I wasn't sure what my blog would become, but the answer befell me in an incredible way.
In the middle of May, Ian and I found out we were pregnant. We were both SUPER excited that we were going to become parents. We had been hoping to start a family for a little over a year, but hadn't gotten pregnant. We were always of the mind set though that when it was our time to have a baby, we would be able to. We were just surprised and disappointed when it took so long for it to happen. When the pregnancy test finally showed a positive reading, it was one of those moments that felt too good to be true.
We didn't tell people about our pregnancy right away. I did start writing some blogs to be posted when we were ready to make the 'big announcement' about how I had been feeling, what the doctor was saying, etc. I had been feeling incredible and chalked it up to being one of the lucky few women who didn't experience all the negative side effects of pregnancy. I was still nervous though about the chance of miscarriage so we kept our news to ourselves until we went to the doctor.
We had our first OB appointment when I was nine weeks along. We went through a whole lot of information and an exam. She said everything was looking good and she had no reason to be concerned at that point. I breathed a huge sigh of relief. I was so glad there was nothing she saw to be concerned about. We decided to tell our family and some of our close friends. We didn't want to tell everyone until after we heard the heart beat. Though the more people we told, the more excited I let myself become and the more real it felt...we were going to have a baby.
I soon learned how quickly things could change. We went to the doctor at 11 weeks to hear the heartbeat. After a few minutes of search, the doctor said she couldn't hear anything. She got an ultrasound machine and she looked for the baby. She said it looked like the baby had stopped developing at 7 or 8 weeks. We were both speechless...we didn't know what to do or say. This little life was gone before we had a chance to learn much of anything about it.
Words could not express the sense of defeat I felt at that point. I had resisted the temptation to become outwardly excited about having a baby until something 'felt' real about it. It had begun to feel real a few weeks before, and then all of a sudden reality came crashing down. I felt as though I had been punched in the gut. We had waited what felt like forever to get pregnant and then it was gone in a matter of weeks.
In the weeks following, I have had a roller coaster of emotions. I felt physical pain when my body was trying to naturally miscarry. I felt numb when I went in for surgery to ensure all tissue was removed to prevent an infection. I felt kicked down repeated when I heard about other women getting pregnant and having babies. I felt an overwhelming sense of support from my friends and family...some of whom have been through this same experience. I felt a sense of loss when I think about the fact our little baby is gone...he or she died in the earliest stages of life. I felt discouraged that when we had FINALLY been able to get pregnant, we lost the baby. I felt angry that we were going through this. I felt awful when I was unable to be happy for those around us experiencing baby related joy. Each day brought a new series of emotions...many of which caught me completely off guard.
It's still heartbreaking to think about and I don't want to admit that it's real. Though it wouldn't solve anything or make me feel better, I really wish it was all just a dream. I wish Ian and I didn't have to go through this...but we did and we are. I still have feelings to process-hence the post. I need to admit this experience happened instead of living as though it was just a bad dream. Living in denial won't change anything...it will just mask the feelings of hurt and loss I have felt. I need to admit I am angry. I need to admit I want to understand why, though I know I never will. I need to admit I'm scared shit less this will become a repeat experience. I need to admit that though others around me have experienced these same feelings, I still feel as though I'm all alone.
I know this is not going to be a chapter in my life that will define who I am. I know I will be able to process these emotions and this loss and I won't let it consume me. I do need to let this chapter write itself out completely...I keep trying to put the final period in it and I can't do that yet. I just need to let each day bring whatever it's going to bring, and look forward to the day when I can look back and see the beauty that resulted from this loss.