Each year Christmas means something a little different to me. Last year Christmas was characterized by events that tried to poison the season. I'm so glad it didn't succeed, but I was amused by the irony in that the Christmas Eve church service discussed the Christmas story from Revelation instead of Luke. It was very fitting for the mood of the holiday last year.
This year, Christmas was all about hope. Hope for betting things to come and a hope that life as I know it now is not all life is meant to be. This year has been a difficult one on many levels. It has been so frustrating to experience loss and set back time and time again. With both Ian and I loosing a job this year we haven't been able to execute our financial plan to live the life we want. It has been so frustrating to see everyone else's life move on and become the life they (and in many respects I) have always dreamed of, while seeing my life remain stagnant or take steps backwards. Ian and I are no closer this year to starting a family like I thought we would be, even though I want so desperately to experience motherhood and to see the kind of father Ian will be. I can't say, nor am I going to say, this year has been a bad one. Our needs have been met even when we lost our jobs. Our siblings gave us two amazing nephews this year. We have been able to spend time with both of our families and even reconnect with relatives we haven't seen or talked to in ages. This year has not been awful, it really hasn't...it's just been difficult on so many levels. But...I have hope. I have hope that this year and the frustrations I have experienced and will continue to experience are not defining moments in my life. With each moment of frustration and disappointment, I have experienced an abundance of hope that this life of adventure I am living will bring me more joy, love, fulfillment, and peace than I ever could have imagined. It's amazing how much better life is and how much more I can enjoy moments when I have a heart full of hope.
Here's hoping 2011 is an amazing year!