Tuesday, August 14, 2012

my dear sweet rowan

well, we've tried what we can to get you to move into the proper position and it just didn't work.  doesn't mean you won't move there own your own, but it was pretty clear that you are in the most comfortable position for yourself right now with your head under my heart, your back stretched across the top of my uterus, and your butt on the right side.  you did great this morning and kept your heart rate up so none of us got scared that you weren't doing ok.  so now we know that we'll meet you on september 4th and you'll come out into the world safely.

i am disappointed that we couldn't get you into the right position.  i was surprised when a rush of feelings came over me that made me breakdown and cry. 

i was worried about you-how would the surgery affect you?  would you be ok?  will the anesthesia they give me have a negative impact on you?  how will your lungs fair? 

i was worried about myself-will i be ok?  will i develop an infection? will i be able to produce the milk you'll so desperately need right away without the rush of hormones a woman gets during labor?

i was stressed out and felt an overwhelming rush of failure-why didn't it work?  what's wrong with me?  what did i do wrong?

how quickly i forgot that i have nothing to worry about.  how quickly i forgot that this whole experience isn't about me-it's not even about you.  yes-there are complications that can arise from surgery.  yes-there are risks involved.  but there is no need for me to worry.  worrying will not do anything positive for you or me.  i am not a failure and i did nothing wrong.  stressing myself out over this fact will not do anything positive either.  i was reminded of this fact while we were waiting for the nurse to say we could leave the hospital this morning in a pretty blunt way...

you see rowan, after they tried to move you, you were very excited or angry or jostled or whatever and your heart rate was pretty elevated for a while.  you were moving around and active and just ever so busy.  i'm imagining that you were trying to rearrange your room to just how you wanted it since the doctor managed to mess it up.  because of that, the nurse wanted to observe your heart rate for a while longer.  she just wanted to make sure you would calm down.  so our 45 minute wait turned into about an hour and a half.  while i would have loved to nap the whole time, the beds in labor and delivery are not the most comfortable.  so after about an hour or so, i started to get fidgety and decided to read.  i had started Crazy Love by Francis Chan a while ago, and decided to jump back into it.  i picked up right where i left off, and within a minute came across these words that smacked me in the face:

"Worry implies that we don't quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough, or loving enough to take care of what's happening in our lives.  Stress says that the things we are involved in are important enough to merit our impatience, our lack of grace toward others or our tight grip of control."


i really don't know how you're going to come into this world rowan.  i don't know if you're going to turn yourself around in the next three weeks and make your entrance the 'natural' way or if you're going to stay put and we're going to deliver you surgically.  i don't know if some other complication is going to arise between now and then that's going to give us another reason to worry or become stressed out.  i thought there was so much that i had figured out-but after today that is all gone.  i have lost all control and now have to just surrender to this experience and what lies ahead.  because all i know, and all i can put my hope in, is that there is a God who loves you more perfectly than your dad or i could ever hope to who will take care of every minuscule detail in your life.  i know God has control over your life. 

spending weeks, days, hours, or even minutes worrying about how you're going to come into this world isn't what i need to do.  each moment i spend worrying teaches you that i'm bigger and more important and have more control over my life (and yours) than God does.  each moment i spend worrying artificially inflates my importance and deflates the love that God has for you.  i don't want that to happen.  because my one biggest hope and dream for your life is that you can experience the only truly unconditional love in this world.  your dad and i will love you unconditionally, but we can't do it perfectly.  i hope your friends and future spouse will love you unconditionally, but they can't do it perfectly either.  i want you to experience the amazing love of God-not so that you will have the same religion as me, but so that you can share that unconditional love with the people you interact with daily as you grow. 

the world you're coming into is so broken.  people are hurting and killing each other because they are a different religion, a different color, from a different place, or love differently.  i want you to know what true love is so that you can share true love with the world and bring some healing to the sliver of the population you encounter.  imagine how the world could change if you inspired even one other person to truly love others...who inspired one other person...who inspired another...and another.  before long, loving one another would spread like wildfire and maybe the world we live in would be a better place.  how are you going to know what this amazing love looks and feels like if i'm causing you to doubt it?  how are you going to feel this love if i'm not letting myself feel it as well?  if i want you to share this love with the world, i have to be able to share it with you first. 

for me...right now...this means letting go of my worries and fears.  i have to let go of the well laid plans i had for your arrival.  i have to breathe in...and breath out...in...and out...knowing that only by releasing the tight grip of control i am clinging to can i experience the peace God's love can give.  i can't feel fear over what could happen in surgery.  i can't be worried about what may happen in the next three weeks.  i can only wake up each morning knowing that day was created for me to look towards God to experience his loving warmth first and myself second.  only by doing that will i be able to experience a calm and peace in my naturally worrying heart.

rowan-i love you more than you can ever imagine. your dad loves you more than you can ever imagine.  your aunts and uncles, grandmas and grandpas, cousins, friends...they all love you so much.  but even though you will feel all this love every time your cuddled, kissed, and hugged, this love cannot compare with the love that God has for you.  i hope i can let myself feel that in these next three weeks so you can feel it as well.  the chain of loving people has to start somewhere, and i'm hoping it can start with me loving you as perfectly as my imperfect heart will allow.

1 comment:

  1. Beautifully written, Meg, and you learned the message God has for you today. I want to let you know that Rena stubbornly refused to go head down, and she rode out the last days in her cozy cave right under my right ribs. Low and behold when I went into labor she was head down and ready to go! Since then she's always done things her way, not mine. I'll pray that all will go well for you and Rowan and Ian. Love you, Aunt Barb.